Vindication is Mine!!

I received the news via phone last night and have been able to confirm that it is, in fact, true. Thank you to all of you who supported me in this endeavor. Your efforts are truly appreciated and your perseverance has lead to the downfall and ruin of my nemesis.

Remember, one person can make a difference.

http://www.brooksrx.com/about_transition.html

The Long Run

When I was in Florida last week I went for a four mile run. I laced up my sneakers, plugged in my iPod and took off down the beach heading toward the horizon. My goal was to beat out or outrun the thoughts and emotions that were weighting me down.

Despite sending blaring rock music directly into my brain, the voice in my head would not be silenced. My best efforts to run away were thwarted as well. With every step I took, I sunk deeper and deeper into the soft sand. That was how I felt inside. Like I was sinking in quicksand and despite my feeble attempts to break free, I simply could not. My legs started to ache as they tried to maneuver the uneven sand so I slowed to a walk to compensate. Instead of sweat, tears rolled down my face.

This wasn’t working. I made the decision to turn around and head back in the direction that I came from. As I did this, a strange thing happened. I picked up my downcast head, stopped and looked around. I was alone this far out on the beach. No people. Just the blue green water, the sun, the waves and me. I took a deep breath an inhaled the sweetest of smells. I had had such tunnel vision that I never thought to stop and enjoy the view.

The tune on the iPod changed and the familiar strains of Eye of the Tiger started up. I wiped my wet face with the back of my hand and started running. I moved toward the hard sand that would support my weight without issue. If I found myself sinking, I moved. If the sand became uneven, I moved again. I needed to find something that worked for me and that I was comfortable with. I kept my eyes on the ocean and on the horizon.

When I reached the pier, there were two very special people waiting there for me. Waiting to make sure I was alright. Waiting to lend me an arm in case I need to hobble back to the house. Waiting to let me know that they were proud of me. Waiting to give me the piece of mind that no matter what happens, I will not be alone. They will always be there as well as many others to catch me when I fall. And to remind me to stop and look around every once in awhile.

Am I done feeling like crap? Not by a long shot. I can’t turn my emotions on and off and for that I am eternally thankful. My brain my not be silenced but at least now I have a rebuttal.

The Sweet Escape

Did you ever find that a specific song can take you back to a particular point in time? A memory, a person, a feeling? You hear that song and you are immediately transported back to that place and can remember every detail with amazing clarity. I have a few such songs but none as poignant or timely as the one listed in the title.

Today that song takes on a different meaning. For me, it currently refers to five days from now when I fly the coop and escape my life for a good four days. Four days to lie on the beach without the stress and complication of daily life. Four days to surround myself with positive people who love me unconditionally. Four days to clear my head and gain some perspective. Four days to toughen up so I can face things when I get back.

I know I will never be able to erase that memory, that person or that feeling from my head completely. But I am hopeful that in time I will look back on that particular experience without the hurt, pain and regret I feel at this moment.

*For inspiration, I have listened to this song about 4 times while writing this piece. Look for my follow up optimistic companion piece which should wash over me in about two days.