Useless Knowledge

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk doing work when a coworker interrupted me to ask me a question.

“What was the name of the boss on The Jetsons?” he asked.

Without missing a beat I said “Mr. Spacely.”

He came back with “and what was the name of the place they worked?”

“Spacely Sprokets” I replied. “And their competitor was Cogswell Cogs.”

“That’s right,” he said. “Thanks…I knew you would know.” Then he turned around and walked away.

The ease at which I was able to call up these random factoids at will impressed even me. And it made me think. What other random useless information is store deep within my brain?

I have always been freakishly good at trivia games, particularly those dealing with pop culture. I have been a Phone a Friend on more then one occasion when one finds themselves in need of an expert.

In college, one of my friends called me at 2 a.m. during an extremely heated game of Saved by the Bell trivia. Everyone was stumped trying to recall the name of the pop star that Zack kissed in a middle school episode. I knew not only her stage name but her real name as well (for the record it was Stevie/Colleen)

I am going through my mental files right now and here is some of the crazy stuff that seems permanently lodged in my head:

• 24 x 30: the measurements of the door my mother needed at Grossmans for the house on Rowley Street. We moved out of that house about 15 years ago.
• Flintheart Glomgold: Scrooge McDuck’s Scottish nemesis on Duck Tales
• My ex boyfriend’s phone number which I have not dialed in about three and a half years
• My high school locker combination
• “I am a cog in the wheel of civilization”: What Gail B told me to tell my history teacher freshman year of high school in response to the question of “what are you”
• The words to pretty much every Bon Jovi song ever recorded
• My junior prom date’s birthday: March 23rd
• The first time I shaved my legs: I was in 6th grade and wearing a white jumpsuit with black polka dots. I was on my way to a choral concert and I slipped and fell down the driveway, skinned my knee and got a big hole in my nylons
• “No weezing the juice!”
• I beat TLIV when we both had pocket aces
• A cheerleading dance to the song Everybody Walk the Dinosaur
• He-Man was He-Man by the Powers of Gray Skull
• Gray was the word I spelled wrong in 2nd grade to ruin my 100% average. I cried because I didn’t get a giant red paper clip as a reward

This is just a sample of what I’ve got stored in the RAM upstairs. I can call up this type of information at will.

However, I don’t remember what I wore to work today. Every time I am in Target, I have no idea what I needed there. I can’t even remember who I wrote down for Secret Santa two hours ago.

Poats tells stories of our childhood and I am convinced that we lived with separate families. I remember when Pooh pulled the Pogo Ball out from underneath me…maybe because I am still pissed about that…

Sometime I really just wish I could reprogram that part of my brain to delete some of this useless knowledge and replace it with something meaningful.

I mean do I really need to know the tagline for Screech’s Secret Spaghetti Sauce?? “The sauce you can have but the secret, she’s-a-mine!”

The Holiday Letter

The Holiday Letter is a one of the kitschiest of traditions I can think of in recent years. The pretense behind it is that you keep in touch with friends and family by way of a one pager that recaps and provides a year in review. I see it more as a nefarious vehicle whose sole purpose is to attempt to kick the shit out of the Jones…as in my family is better then yours.

This year I am throwing my Santa hat into the competitive letter writing arena. You be the judge…

SEASONS GREETINGS!

Greetings and salutations from McDougall and Bubo!! I hope my letter finds you and finds you well. If you are shirking under the weight of the winter doldrums, have no fear! My Holiday Letter is the remedy for all that ails you!

It's been a whirlwind year in the McDougall household. 2007 got off to a rocky start after a very "It puts the lotion in the basket" New Years party in an unnamed basement. But after a few weeks of psychotherapy, I was back to my usual chipper self.

February found the McDougall clan cruising around Mexico and Central America. We had a great time frolicking in waterfalls in Guatemala, cave tubing in Belize and taking hits out of a penis bong in Mexico. All in all, a great family bonding experience.

In the spring my life became complete with the addition of little Bubo. He has had a very busy year as well in 2007. Since moving in with me, he has developed many interests and hobbies. I have high hopes for his career goals. To date, he is showing promise as a voyeur as he watches me shower every morning. He may also have a career as a sanitation engineer as he seems to have a strong attraction to garbage. I couldn't be prouder of my little terrorist!

I took a trip to Las Vegas this summer which was great fun! I did run into some fiscal issues in relation to this trip, so upon my arrival home I found myself needing to substantiate my income. I made the difficult decision to go back to further my education. Turns out I have a knack for it! I graduated first in my class and have the ability to work from home so as to spend more time with Bubo. They are installing the pole in my bedroom tomorrow.

In October I successfully finished my 2nd half marathon. Training and finishing an endurance athletic event is a worthy undertaking. I always feel let down once the event is over, mostly because I have to go back to being anorexic. Eating days are so much more enjoyable.

This year was a banner year in The Great Husband Search: Year 28 as I managed to date an entire decade. We start with the 22 year old Hollister model who while straight, worked at a gay bar. Another, while age appropriate, shared a name with a very popular Fisher Price toy. On to the old guy...the first guy I've dated who has crossed over into that ever scary abyss of the 30+. The most fun we had together was playing Guitar Hero. Although my affinity for the game remains, such cannot be said for the man. At least I can safely say that there was no mention of the Holocaust on any of my dates.

Notable Mentions from around the Clan

• E&Z finished the rock wall
• Pooh finally moved our of her parent's house
• Lynn made some new friends in her MBA class
• Jules got moldy fish returned to her after a month
• Andrew is still waiting for the repair man
• Michael shit under the bed

That's about it from this girl. Best wishes for a warm and fuzzy holiday season and a fantastic New Year. If you need anal wart cream, you know where to find me.

You know you love me.

XOXO
McDougall and Bubo

Joy to McDougall

You win. I quit. I can’t fight it any more. As of today, I succumb, surrender, admit defeat, submit, yield. I had an idea that this was coming yesterday when I felt the first twinge but today there is no denying it.

I am rocking out to Mariah Carey Christmas music. I don’t have a mirror but I am fairly confident that the dance face is even out. If I was in my car or at home, there would be a full on dance party going on here.

I have been infected with the Christmas spirit and am in a freakishly good mood. I can’t stop smiling…smiling is my favorite!

What the hell is going on?

I want to send out candy canes and rainbows to people… even those I don’t like. I don’t even have the desire to punch them anymore. I want to drink hot chocolate with marshmallows. I want to go ice skating. I want world peace. I want to bake cookies. I want to wear a holiday sweater.

Ok, maybe not. But I do want to point and laugh at someone who is.

The warm and fuzzy feeling is here and it was long overdue.

Oh…and I (obviously) want to win the Christmas Card Competition.