Welcome Back, Mr. Kotter

Hello Blog, its me. McDougall. You don't remember me? It's been THAT long? Yes, in fact it has and I am sure my absence has lost all 1 of my faithful readers. But witty and whimsical banter aside, this blog does not solely exist for my 1 reader's enjoyment. It used to serve as a creative outlet for this writer to purge her thoughts, feelings, homicidal impulses...what have you.

I used to do this through food. Then writing. Then crying . Then running. Then writing again. Lately, I have been too busy to purge in any of the above ways. Simply put, I am no longer creative. Or witty. Or relaxed and well adjusted. So I am back.

This is a crappy post...I am aware of that. I am just dipping by fingers in the proverbial writing pool trying to get something going. Trying to get the juice flowing and the purging to begin. I am beginning to feel the internal pressure building. And without an outlet, Mount McDougall erupts and blankets anything in her path. Which is not good for all concerned.

So here I am. Ready to reacquaint myself with...myself. Consider yourself warned. Everyone and everything heretofore is fair game for my observation, ridicule and judgement.

Useless Knowledge

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk doing work when a coworker interrupted me to ask me a question.

“What was the name of the boss on The Jetsons?” he asked.

Without missing a beat I said “Mr. Spacely.”

He came back with “and what was the name of the place they worked?”

“Spacely Sprokets” I replied. “And their competitor was Cogswell Cogs.”

“That’s right,” he said. “Thanks…I knew you would know.” Then he turned around and walked away.

The ease at which I was able to call up these random factoids at will impressed even me. And it made me think. What other random useless information is store deep within my brain?

I have always been freakishly good at trivia games, particularly those dealing with pop culture. I have been a Phone a Friend on more then one occasion when one finds themselves in need of an expert.

In college, one of my friends called me at 2 a.m. during an extremely heated game of Saved by the Bell trivia. Everyone was stumped trying to recall the name of the pop star that Zack kissed in a middle school episode. I knew not only her stage name but her real name as well (for the record it was Stevie/Colleen)

I am going through my mental files right now and here is some of the crazy stuff that seems permanently lodged in my head:

• 24 x 30: the measurements of the door my mother needed at Grossmans for the house on Rowley Street. We moved out of that house about 15 years ago.
• Flintheart Glomgold: Scrooge McDuck’s Scottish nemesis on Duck Tales
• My ex boyfriend’s phone number which I have not dialed in about three and a half years
• My high school locker combination
• “I am a cog in the wheel of civilization”: What Gail B told me to tell my history teacher freshman year of high school in response to the question of “what are you”
• The words to pretty much every Bon Jovi song ever recorded
• My junior prom date’s birthday: March 23rd
• The first time I shaved my legs: I was in 6th grade and wearing a white jumpsuit with black polka dots. I was on my way to a choral concert and I slipped and fell down the driveway, skinned my knee and got a big hole in my nylons
• “No weezing the juice!”
• I beat TLIV when we both had pocket aces
• A cheerleading dance to the song Everybody Walk the Dinosaur
• He-Man was He-Man by the Powers of Gray Skull
• Gray was the word I spelled wrong in 2nd grade to ruin my 100% average. I cried because I didn’t get a giant red paper clip as a reward

This is just a sample of what I’ve got stored in the RAM upstairs. I can call up this type of information at will.

However, I don’t remember what I wore to work today. Every time I am in Target, I have no idea what I needed there. I can’t even remember who I wrote down for Secret Santa two hours ago.

Poats tells stories of our childhood and I am convinced that we lived with separate families. I remember when Pooh pulled the Pogo Ball out from underneath me…maybe because I am still pissed about that…

Sometime I really just wish I could reprogram that part of my brain to delete some of this useless knowledge and replace it with something meaningful.

I mean do I really need to know the tagline for Screech’s Secret Spaghetti Sauce?? “The sauce you can have but the secret, she’s-a-mine!”

The Holiday Letter

The Holiday Letter is a one of the kitschiest of traditions I can think of in recent years. The pretense behind it is that you keep in touch with friends and family by way of a one pager that recaps and provides a year in review. I see it more as a nefarious vehicle whose sole purpose is to attempt to kick the shit out of the Jones…as in my family is better then yours.

This year I am throwing my Santa hat into the competitive letter writing arena. You be the judge…

SEASONS GREETINGS!

Greetings and salutations from McDougall and Bubo!! I hope my letter finds you and finds you well. If you are shirking under the weight of the winter doldrums, have no fear! My Holiday Letter is the remedy for all that ails you!

It's been a whirlwind year in the McDougall household. 2007 got off to a rocky start after a very "It puts the lotion in the basket" New Years party in an unnamed basement. But after a few weeks of psychotherapy, I was back to my usual chipper self.

February found the McDougall clan cruising around Mexico and Central America. We had a great time frolicking in waterfalls in Guatemala, cave tubing in Belize and taking hits out of a penis bong in Mexico. All in all, a great family bonding experience.

In the spring my life became complete with the addition of little Bubo. He has had a very busy year as well in 2007. Since moving in with me, he has developed many interests and hobbies. I have high hopes for his career goals. To date, he is showing promise as a voyeur as he watches me shower every morning. He may also have a career as a sanitation engineer as he seems to have a strong attraction to garbage. I couldn't be prouder of my little terrorist!

I took a trip to Las Vegas this summer which was great fun! I did run into some fiscal issues in relation to this trip, so upon my arrival home I found myself needing to substantiate my income. I made the difficult decision to go back to further my education. Turns out I have a knack for it! I graduated first in my class and have the ability to work from home so as to spend more time with Bubo. They are installing the pole in my bedroom tomorrow.

In October I successfully finished my 2nd half marathon. Training and finishing an endurance athletic event is a worthy undertaking. I always feel let down once the event is over, mostly because I have to go back to being anorexic. Eating days are so much more enjoyable.

This year was a banner year in The Great Husband Search: Year 28 as I managed to date an entire decade. We start with the 22 year old Hollister model who while straight, worked at a gay bar. Another, while age appropriate, shared a name with a very popular Fisher Price toy. On to the old guy...the first guy I've dated who has crossed over into that ever scary abyss of the 30+. The most fun we had together was playing Guitar Hero. Although my affinity for the game remains, such cannot be said for the man. At least I can safely say that there was no mention of the Holocaust on any of my dates.

Notable Mentions from around the Clan

• E&Z finished the rock wall
• Pooh finally moved our of her parent's house
• Lynn made some new friends in her MBA class
• Jules got moldy fish returned to her after a month
• Andrew is still waiting for the repair man
• Michael shit under the bed

That's about it from this girl. Best wishes for a warm and fuzzy holiday season and a fantastic New Year. If you need anal wart cream, you know where to find me.

You know you love me.

XOXO
McDougall and Bubo

Joy to McDougall

You win. I quit. I can’t fight it any more. As of today, I succumb, surrender, admit defeat, submit, yield. I had an idea that this was coming yesterday when I felt the first twinge but today there is no denying it.

I am rocking out to Mariah Carey Christmas music. I don’t have a mirror but I am fairly confident that the dance face is even out. If I was in my car or at home, there would be a full on dance party going on here.

I have been infected with the Christmas spirit and am in a freakishly good mood. I can’t stop smiling…smiling is my favorite!

What the hell is going on?

I want to send out candy canes and rainbows to people… even those I don’t like. I don’t even have the desire to punch them anymore. I want to drink hot chocolate with marshmallows. I want to go ice skating. I want world peace. I want to bake cookies. I want to wear a holiday sweater.

Ok, maybe not. But I do want to point and laugh at someone who is.

The warm and fuzzy feeling is here and it was long overdue.

Oh…and I (obviously) want to win the Christmas Card Competition.

Jingle

I am a sucker for marketers and I should know better because I used to be one. You know that stupid Dentyne Ice commercial with the princess and the frog? You know you do. Anyway, every time I see it I wonder about the song playing in the background.

I was sitting here tonight watching the best of Beauty and The Geek (genius show by the way) and that commercial came on so I decided to investigate further. I Googled “Dentyne Ice commercial song” and to my surprise found several websites where people were wondering the same thing. What was the name of that song.

Once the mystery was solved (Ben’s Brother – Stuttering) I went to iTunes and downloaded it.

Got to love technology. 5 years ago, this would have bothered me for weeks.

Happy Centennial!

Can you believe it?? I have officially reached my 100th post. In order to celebrate and commemorate this truly momentous occasion and give it the pomp and circumstance it deserves, I've decided to make a Centennial Post Resolution.

My resolution stems from a cursory look at the posts over the last several months. I have been Debbie Downer. No mas ma amigas. From this point on you get your crazy ass, stupid McDougall posts back.

Especially since I learned how to steal Internet from my neighbors.

**This 100th post was provided courtesy of NETGEAR. Thank you for not password protecting your wireless connection.

Little Miss ProActive

And no, I don't mean the Diddy endorsed acne product. This stems from a conversation I had with Poats a few weeks back. I was having a bad day and she passed along a pearl of wisdom she had learned from one of her management books. Simply put...choose your attitude.

The premise is deceptively elementary. If you choose to be in a good mood and not let trivial things bother you, they won't. You have complete control over how you choose to react to things. Let them bother you or don't. It's as easy as that.

I think this book failed to take into account the fact that I am a woman and an emotional one at that. You mean to tell me I have the ability to CONTROL those crazy feelings? This was a concept more foreign to me then people who own less then 5 pairs of shoes. Black shoes at that.

But I found the notion to be an interesting one. One that required a little more in-depth analysis…McDougall style. Which is to say I needed to take this idea and massage it into something I can relate to.

I decided first that I needed to expand the scope of the definition. I can’t just encompass emotion…happy, sad, angry, frustrated. I needed more flexibility if I was going to make this work for me.

I thought about the last two months of my life and what I had been up to. I started to compile a list to reflect accomplishments, failures, activities and any other changes or drama that was causing my emotions to careen wildly and affect my ability to choose and control them.

Here was my quick draft:

1. Crossed skydiving off life To Do list
2. Got a new job
3. Applied and got accepted to an MBA program
4. Knocked 25 minutes of last year’s half marathon time
5. Got a new hair color

I looked at my short list critically and realized something. I did all of these things by myself. Without freaking out, leaving the country or having any more emotional or mental breakdowns about the state of my life. I was being proactive. And I was taking steps toward making myself happy.

Then the light bulb went on. Maybe I can’t control whether I am happy or sad at a specific point in time but when I feel those feeling creep up on me, I can focus on what I have been able to accomplish.

I am a total bad ass. That is the attitude I choose. And don’t I look happy about it?

Perspective and Time

With time comes perspective. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again in my 28 years. Something that you may have once held a strong opinion about can change after days, weeks or sometimes even years. You can’t see it at the time because you are so embroiled in the trauma but after the passage of time, you can look back on that occurrence fondly…or at least with less animosity then you had in the moment.

Something happened to me back in 2001 when I was going to school in Boston. It is something that I think happens to a lot of college kids after moving away from home. It started out as a good relationship but after 4 years together, it turned sour. I made the decision at the time to walk away, bury the past and move on. I never, EVER planned to or thought I would find myself regressing to that dark place I had worked so hard to pull myself out of.

In the past 6 years, I have been able to drive this completely out of my mind, forget that it ever existed. Suddenly last week, it was back in my life. Poats and I had a random discussion about this particular phenomenon. Just like that, I was thinking about it all over again. And I was intrigued.

So Tuesday night, I found myself face to face with my former foe. After a quick stare down, I decided that enough time had passed…I was willing to give it another shot. I pulled two of the Styrofoam containers off the shelf, paid my $0.50 and left with my newly acquired booty.

Just knowing it was in the house stressed me out. It took me two days to work up the courage to go up against The Beast. I mean, it had been over 6 years since we had last faced off! But last night I finally did it. I pulled it out of the pantry, got a fork and dug in.

The result….RAMEN is good!