Monday night I was called into active wingman duty. This was not your typical, "I am meeting someone out at a bar and don't want to go alone." Nope, it was more of the "I am going vibrator shopping and I don't want to go alone" variety.
In no way do I consider myself easily embarrassed or a prude. However, having come off of a Saturday night at the gay bar on leather night where I got to see assless leather chaps in the flesh, my delicate sensibilities had already been compromised. But being the good friend I am, I complied. How bad could this be? A party at someone's house and everyone is there for the same reason. No big deal.
First off, my friend failed to mention that the party was being held at a bar. Very public. The majority of the women there had their husbands/boyfriends on the other side of the bar to show off the goods and get their opinion, including my friend's cousin who I used to go on vacation with when we were 12. I tried to hide my red face in my pint of Bass.
Once the lady started, we all got "laid" (Hawaiian style) and I got my very own glow in the dark penis straw for being a sex toy party virgin (Insert celibacy jokes here). We were told that we were going to try out all kinds of products. Left arm was for licking, right arm was for smelling. We also got products that we were to try on our...umm....more sensitive areas. Yes, in the bar. I tried to crawl further into my pint glass.
Then they brought out the big guns. Pun intended. We got to see the Rabbit, the Bunny, Mr. Dependable, the Hummer and more. There was even the Wall Banger which, as it's name implies, suctions to the wall for you to have your way with. Why anyone would need that is beyond me.
The embarrassment seemed to only be a factor to me. The lady next to me told me all about how Viagra doesn't work for her husband as she rubbed "the Tounge" on her face. Lady, I met you 20 minutes ago...I REALLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT. One girl was there with her mother. Again, hello discomfort.
Not my typical Monday night.
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2 comments:
You have officially been inducted in to the wingman hall of fame with that one! Oh, and don't forget the catalog when you get back!
It is currently sitting on my dining room table.
Leaving in about 12 hours. Not done with laundry and haven't packed a thing. So much for the day off.
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