Dysfunction Junction

Yesterday sucked, plain and simple. I had a crappy day at work, I was tired, ornery and morose all at the same time. Best of all, I had to leave work early to go to my Great Aunt’s wake. All in all, not the most exciting day…or so I thought.

The first downfall was that I would have to travel an hour to get there. As someone who does not often leave the comforts of home (i.e. “The Triangle”) this is rather traumatic event in and of itself. The Triangle is made up of my family member’s houses which all fall within a 3 mile radius of each other. We do not bump against our invisible fence unless it is an absolute necessity.

Attending a wake is, so we all met at my parents house to caravan down. It was me, T, Eboogie, Moose, and 3 of my dad’s 4 siblings. We climbed in the car and headed for the Land Before Time, Dysfunction Junction or, as it is more commonly know, Jewitt City. I was in for culture shock.

My Great Aunt was one of three sisters…the first generation of McDougall girls you might say. Although these ladies could out swear, out drink and out party me and my sisters combined. They could kick our asses both in general or just at cards. Not back in the day, but last week. And they are in their 80’s.

Anyway, we arrived in the boon docks to find my 37 year old uncle who can’t do anything by himself, sitting in the parking lot waiting for us. He couldn’t even go into a family funeral alone.

As we were walking in, my sister and I got the distinct impression that we had stepped into time warp. First off, the fashion…there were people dressed in jeans and wind pants at the wake. Leather and ponytails were a popular choice among the men in the room. And here I was thinking I was taking a fashion risk wearing charcoal pants instead of the traditional all black.

I went up and kissed and hugged relatives that I haven’t seen in about 20 years. One of whom had just been release from jail. That was the girl cousin.

Then there was the crazy daughter of the deceased. She actually walked up to a group of us at one point and said, “I just farted, can you smell it?” and walked away. This is not a child cousin. This lady has to be in her 50’s.

At quarter of eight, after my great aunt was eulogized for her penchant for drinking, swearing, smoking and playing cards, her daughter decided to kick out any straggling mourners as it was time to head to the VFW to get a drink.

We declined as we had a long drive home. However, none of us had eaten so we decided to stop for a bite to eat on the way home. The only open establishment in Jewitt City at 8 pm other then the VFW…the Green Onion Pizza Restaurant.

I sat down and opened the menu and almost lost it. I had been craving a hamburger for hours but wasn’t sure I could afford the steep pricing of the Green Onion. I mean a burger cost $2.80. Huh?

Some of the other more impressive prices on the menu included a side salad for $0.75, a $1.75 draft beer, a $0.95 soda or a large pizza for $9.00. I think my favorite was my father who ordered a side of pasta instead of fries to go with his burger. His meal cost $5.00. For me to add cheese to my burger, it was $0.15. We decided the trip was well worth the gas money given the amount we saved on food.

Our nightcap? Mr. Mature Moose mooning my aunt and uncles through the car window on the ride home, at mine and my father’s urging.

Although our trip to Jewitt City was a little bit of culture shock, I do believe that the heart of the dysfunction lies with us. However, after attending that wake, at least I know I come by it honestly. It runs in the family.

By the way, did you know that Michael shit under the bed?