The News

Staring at blank TV’s or computer monitors. That had been my pastime of choice since last night when I found out the news that I had been simultaneously expecting and dreading for the past year and a half. The ex is getting married.

I had the “mature reaction” out in public. I told everyone I was fine. That I wished him the best, that he deserves to be happy and that it bothered me a lot less then I thought it would. I made inappropriate jokes and laughed about it. I wanted to prove that I was strong and that I didn’t care. I lied.

I didn’t even realize how much it bothered me until I sat there watching a TV that wasn’t turned on. I only realized that I was crying when I felt how damp the collar of my shirt had gotten. The slow motion movie montage of all the good times was on repeat in my head. It is amazing how easy it is to forget the bad ones. I couldn’t have stopped the tears if I had wanted to.

Never once have I regretted or questioned my decision. I knew then and I know now it was the right thing to do. But it doesn’t make things easier. If it did, I would have ended it two years prior. We were not right for each other. I have known that for a long time and that has been reinforced for me on a daily basis.

It was hard for me to even write this post but I also feel it was therapeutic in a sense. I needed to purge and have complete closure. Now I do. I guess that is a step in the right direction.

It took me exactly 6 hours to hear, process and accept the news. I now feel that I can say the things I said last night but actually mean them. I do wish him well. I do want him to be happy. I can be happy for him.