The Long Run

When I was in Florida last week I went for a four mile run. I laced up my sneakers, plugged in my iPod and took off down the beach heading toward the horizon. My goal was to beat out or outrun the thoughts and emotions that were weighting me down.

Despite sending blaring rock music directly into my brain, the voice in my head would not be silenced. My best efforts to run away were thwarted as well. With every step I took, I sunk deeper and deeper into the soft sand. That was how I felt inside. Like I was sinking in quicksand and despite my feeble attempts to break free, I simply could not. My legs started to ache as they tried to maneuver the uneven sand so I slowed to a walk to compensate. Instead of sweat, tears rolled down my face.

This wasn’t working. I made the decision to turn around and head back in the direction that I came from. As I did this, a strange thing happened. I picked up my downcast head, stopped and looked around. I was alone this far out on the beach. No people. Just the blue green water, the sun, the waves and me. I took a deep breath an inhaled the sweetest of smells. I had had such tunnel vision that I never thought to stop and enjoy the view.

The tune on the iPod changed and the familiar strains of Eye of the Tiger started up. I wiped my wet face with the back of my hand and started running. I moved toward the hard sand that would support my weight without issue. If I found myself sinking, I moved. If the sand became uneven, I moved again. I needed to find something that worked for me and that I was comfortable with. I kept my eyes on the ocean and on the horizon.

When I reached the pier, there were two very special people waiting there for me. Waiting to make sure I was alright. Waiting to lend me an arm in case I need to hobble back to the house. Waiting to let me know that they were proud of me. Waiting to give me the piece of mind that no matter what happens, I will not be alone. They will always be there as well as many others to catch me when I fall. And to remind me to stop and look around every once in awhile.

Am I done feeling like crap? Not by a long shot. I can’t turn my emotions on and off and for that I am eternally thankful. My brain my not be silenced but at least now I have a rebuttal.