I was having a rough day yesterday after having taken a mental beating both personally and professionally. So I decided to go for a run. However, I found myself in tears within the first half mile. And that is when fate stepped and distracted me.
I was hitting the bottom of the first hill and motion in the grass caught my eye. I figured it was a bunny as I have seen many of them during my runs this summer. I slowed my pace as I got closer to get a better look. But this time it was a gopher. I slowed a little further and approached the little guy. That is when he decided to full on charge me. I screamed and ran away.
I spent the next 3 miles laughing about this encounter and reflecting on my previous freaky interactions with wildlife. As such, this blog was born.
My family is not blessed with good luck. There is a long standing joke that someone way back in the family line stole a witch’s baby. Given the sketchy past of some of my relatives, I believe this to be a very real possibility. Anyway, said witch cursed the entire family to generations of bad luck.
I didn’t realize however, that we had also managed to piss off the woodland creatures in the process. Maybe the witch took out her wrath on them way back in the day? Maybe they have formed an alliance and are crusading for the McDougall’s demise?
They have been deliberately plotting mine for some time. I have narrowly avoided some serious pitfalls but I am not sure how much longer I can hold out.
1st Assassination Attempt: Summer 1995
Weapon: Flying Fish
Location: the beach, Hilton Head Island, SC
Chain of events: Fish jumping in the ocean as I was swimming. Suddenly, one launched itself out of the water and bitch slapped me across the face.
Damages: bloody cheek
Status of Mission: FAILED
2nd Assassination Attempt: Fall 2000
Weapon: Squirrel
Location: The Commons, Boston, MA
Chain of events: Sitting on a park bench drinking a hot chocolate. The suspect jumped on the bench and sat next to me. Suddenly, he jumped into my lap and attacked.
Damages: Emotional trauma to Gail B who witnessed the event via cell phone and thought I was getting mugged.
Status of Mission: FAILED
3rd Assassination Attempt: Summer 2003
Weapon: Hawk
Location: Woodford Hills, Avon, CT
Chain of events: Driving my car. A giant hawk swooped down and tried to grab me through the open sunroof
Damages: Unknown
Status of Mission: FAILED
4th Assassination Attempt: Summer 2006
Weapon: Seagull
Location: Newport, RI
Chain of events: The suspect circled my beach towel in a recon effort. I left my post on break and came back to find the suspect on my towel rifling through my beach bag.
Damages: Unknown
Status of Mission: FAILED
To date, they have been unsuccessful. But I am on to them now.
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7 comments:
Dougall, you forgot one...
3.5 Assassination Attempt: Fall/Winter 2003
Weapon: Skunk
Location: Poats & McD House
Chain of Events: Poats and McD notice a foul smell. They are concerned that there is something weird going on with the furnace since it was the first time it was on for the year and call the oil company. Quickly, they realize that this is a very unique scent. The scent permeates throughout the house and proceeds to settle into our clothing and rugs. McD is forced to move out and live with the parents while the smell clears.
Damages: $$$ Dry cleaning Bill. Bought every imaginable air and carpet freshning product to try to remove the smell.
Status of Mission: FAILED
Oh - you also forgot the "international incident"
3.6 Assassination Attempt: October 2003
Weapon: Dog
Location: Trim Castle, Ireland
Chain of Events: While touring the grounds of Trim Castle McD is nearly over-run by free roaming dog.
Damages: Unknown - who can accurately assess the damage that was done while McD climbed on the aging castle ruins to escape her chaser.
Status of Mission: FAILED
Poats...I did forget about the skunk. I must also include emotional stress because I washed a bunch of AT clothes that shrunk as a result.
Mato...I forgot about the dog at Trim Castle! However, I have been attacked by so many dogs over the years that I couldn't even document them all.
Oh wait...you forgot that I had to go and buy mass quantities of castor oil. Going into CVS and asking for it by the truck load without know what it's actual purpose caused some damage....
I still have two bottle of castor oil under my kitchen sink!
I ,too, remember a dog incident when you got sick at the school bus and then realized you were locked out of the house. You then proceeded to your friend's house and enroute were attacked by a giant dog who jumped on you, put his paws on your shoulders and knocked you to the ground pinning you there. Jog your memory at all?
Uh yeah. That was scary as all hell. Plus I was like 12. Dogs hate me.
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